If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
COCAINE IS GR8
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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