She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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