There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
