good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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