i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
