I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
