Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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