What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
