Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
