I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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