You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
