i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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