i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
