no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
