he was CRYING into my vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
