i don't like sucking hair
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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