I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
wrigley field is MILF paradise
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
