I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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