One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
