I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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