I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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