I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
