if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
