He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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