I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
