No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
