M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize