I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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