It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
