I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Someone came in the potted fern
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
