i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
