Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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