so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
3pm strippers are depressing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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