A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
