if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
