i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
