and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
