I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
