I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
