I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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