So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
