Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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