I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
