it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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