fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
