We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Still dying that you shit outside
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
