i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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