Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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