Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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