My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
