i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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