Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
