I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.