How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
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